Almost in every circumstance while we have a conversation with someone, we tend to think about what they are feeling. Of course, this arises from the selfish feeling to get validation for our actions. But it also enables us to land to a conclusion about whether they are interested in talking with us or not.
This brings us to the study of a different type of communication called Non-verbal communication. This has been used in different types of real-life scenarios and by professionals to gather information. The investigative officers to mentalists all do the same thing of scrutinizing the non-verbal cues. Why do they do that? Because the fact is that the majority of all communication that takes place between two people occurs without words. Consider these simple scenarios:
A person comes to you and without looking at your eyes says he will break your nose and runs way
A person comes to you, looks into your eyes, and, after a moment of silence, says the same thing and walks away.
We could sense the intimidation from the latter scenario. Why? His non-verbal communication is power than the former one even though they said the same thing. What we communicate with words is sometimes just a fraction of the total massage. Although verbal way can be used to express a lot more efficiently to transfer information, non-verbal makes it powerful.
Non-verbal communication isn't just valuable for extracting information, it is also in most interpersonal conversations. What do all this communication is aimed at? To get the person to think or act the way we want. That's where the rapport part comes in. With rapport, we can make the person open up about the secret he or she is holding. It is sometimes considered manipulative. But it really depends on the context. Developing rapport is essential in developing a personal relationship. There are multi-levels of personal relationships, whatever it is, rapport will be a huge factor in nudging. We can actually develop with anyone in different ways. One of them is through the process of mirroring. Even in mirroring, we have different levels, but what we are concentrating on here is the way of talking. What's with it? The way of talking, the tonality, the modulation, the right joke to laugh at, and much more.
Here is the basic rule to adapt; communicate how the other person wants to share. This is powerful. When we communicate like the one who is talking to us, the primitive brain sends the signal to the conscious mind that this conversation is safe and probably you can open up. People talk with different vibes, and although the common theme of joking applies to a majority of the human being, there are other ways where people cling to their identity and the way they talk is a big part of identity. So how do we know how they talk..through observation.
You might be surprised to learn that observing people while talking could gain you a lot more information than spending money on communication courses. We could learn a variety of things with just observation from the way they move their hands to tonality in their voices. After observing their mood we can start to act like them. This is also called mirroring. Of course, mirroring can actually create rapport. But what do we mirror? Exactly like them? Not really. And do not go over the top mirroring. You would do that by mimicking one-third of their moment. Do not mimic as a mime would do. While you mirror the gestures and the tonality of the voice, they are getting the signal that you are thinking like them and they unconsciously bend to vulnerable.
You may be thinking is it possible to be genuine while mimicking others and be true to my identity? The answer is no. Here you are going through a transformational change of conversation. A new way of talking while observing and mimicking. And for your own good. Adjust everything gradually from the gestures to the tempo. You can try matching their speed. If it is too hard to follow, focus on the other areas of mirroring and slowly master the tempo. And some even say adapting the tempo is the best way to create rapport. And this is the only way to increase your rapport if you are having a conversation on the phone. Matching their vocal speed. You could actually extend the length of conversation with them while doing the tempo adjustment. This is how salespeople make the conversation for so long. They first agree to everything you say and let you talk to count your tempo. Now you can do the same.
Then there is slang and other vocal stuff you could adopt. But in the case of slang, some of us really don't know how to use it or it even feels like embarrassing to say those stuff. But that's fine, if you can't adopt they move on to the next thing. With words, one way to make rapport is through trance words. And what are these trance words? Nothing but the psychological unconscious words that come while we speak. People have different trance words, we should make the effort to find them while we are talking and we must use them to create rapport. Here is the list of trance words that people generally tend to use:
Incredible
Unbelievable
Fascinating
Mind-blowing
Astonishing
Captivating
Mesmerizing
Spellbinding
Thrilling
Enchanting
Breathtaking
Inspiring
Exhilarating
Unforgettable
Magical
Transcendent
Electrifying
Gripping
Phenomenal
These are some common things that you hear, but some people create their own trance words. Basically, it is, a word that they use when they were in a conversation unconsciously. You will be amazed to find how many times they use this in conversation.
The other cue that is out there and which is probably difficult to adapt is breathing. Breathing is a potent indicator that once you master will completely change the whole game of rapport. See we breathe for our existence, that is the primary purpose of breathing. But how we breathe is an indication of what is happening inside us. We breathe faster when we are in a panic or exited with noise and we breathe slowly when we are calm or bored. A lot of variations in between. You cant actually control the speed of breath until you practice it for years. So for most people, breathing is a buster. The hard part is to catch the pace of breath. To do this, we must be observant and at a closer distance. Only closer enough to sense the breath. Once you find that, then like I said earlier, when they do their breathing variations like long breaths in between the conversation. Do it gradually and cope with it. This is one of the big parts of creating rapport. You might find it difficult to spot the breathing pace early, but with time it will come naturally and easily. The best part is we don't speak while inhaling, so by noticing where he pauses in his speech, you can tell when he is breathing in. If you can synchronize your breathing completely with that of another person, the connection between you can feel is magical.
The ways are many, but it is through consistent effort like any other skill we get to make it seem more natural. The rapport we want to achieve is really a matter of observation and application. Once we built the rapport, we can make the manipulation work. Rapport is only a slice of learning about manipulation. To manipulate somebodies belief is to influence the person's reality. We should learn the whole dimension of manipulation. These nonverbal cues are very good starting points to learn.